The more I meet and talk to new moms, the more I see the role that expectations have in our lives. More specifically, in our outlook and coping in this new role we’re playing. Let’s talk for a minute about regular ol’ babies, in regular ol’ situations, and leave the truly horrendous, unexpected things that happen for a different time.

Before this baby came home with us, we probably imagined how life would be. We probably collected stories from friends and family and media. And we probably were a little shocked to find that many things do not play out the way we expected, and many other things we didn’t even think of. I know I was. Some things we never truly understood, even when they were spelled out for us. I’ll tell you my favorite example of how expectations can affect our outlook.

When our baby girl was a month old, I had a miscarriage, and had to spend a day and a night in the hospital. My husband stayed by my side, and my mother-in-law watched over the baby at her house. Yes, overnight. I knew from stories of friends that leaving their baby for the first time overnight was difficult for the new mommy, but I had bigger fish to fry. I felt slightly guilty over not fretting so much. But I knew my mother-in-law was capable and loved our baby girl, and would take wonderful care of her. I could concentrate on the other ordeal (while missing her so much!)

When we got back home the next day, my husband mentally prepared himself for the baby-night-shift on his own, since I had a hard time getting out of bed. He spoke to his mother about how the previous night went. She was happy and content and reported what a wonderful baby our little girl was, and what a wonderful night they had had. The next morning, my husband, fraught with sleep deprivation and broken expectations, was sure something was wrong. How come the baby woke up several times a night? How come she cried so much? What was different at his mother’s house?

So we called up his mother together, and asked her to elaborate on this “wonderful” night they’d experienced with our wonderful baby. Well, it turns out that his mother was completely prepared for the fact that babies cry, need to be changed and fed often, and wake up several times in the night. But given all of those, and given she herself didn’t sleep many hours a night anyway, she hardly noticed these things, and the experience was wonderful otherwise.

So, there you have it, the power of expectations. Same baby, same situation, different outlook. I guess this is part of the reason first time parents get so much attention. Theoretically, the second time around you’ve learned a few things, and are less shocked. (Oh, wait, now I’m thinking there are probably things I should be expecting the second time, and I’m not… we’re in for an interesting ride!)