Everyone has a job to do: actual things you and your family can do to make sure breastfeeding works out for you!

A new baby is on the way!

You want to breastfeed him (or her).  Everyone knows (and is happy to let you know) that breastfeeding is the best thing for them (and you…)

And yet, many moms still find themselves alone in this new role.  I won’t let that happen to you

 

Today we’ll talk about practical advice you can already implement to:

• Be calm and not-frustrated because you have realistic expectations about feeding a new baby
• Enrolling your family and friends (the ones who kept asking how they can help) to the breastfeeding family force
• Giving everyone their special place and eliminating confusion about bonding with the baby
• Get breastfeeding off to a great start with this little tip for the first couple of days (and great start breastfeeding turns into great long term breastfeeding very easily)

plus: a little tip for those first couple of days.

Let’s start from the general mindset and mom’s expectations:

So, a few truths to kick us off.  If we can agree on these, we can move on and build on them:

1. Life with a new baby does not resemble life before the baby arrived.
2. Feeding a baby (any type of feeding) takes lots of time and some effort from everyone in the household
3. There are many things that have to be done in a household, especially with a new baby
4. This baby is the luckiest baby on the planet, and has many people who love him and care for him and want to get to know him
5. Ditto for you, new mom
6. Breastfeeding, like any new skill, must be learned and practiced before gaining proficiency.
7. People are different, with different skills, equipment and availability, and can contribute in different ways to a common goal.

Ok, I think you get the picture.  So what can be done?

Well, this is a lesson I learned from my mother, who managed the entire thing.  If you are the soon-to-be-new-mom reading this, you may have to teach it to your family after you learn it.  Don’t worry, I’ll help you.

 

Are you ready?

“breastfeeding is a full time job”

Shocking!  I know.  Raise your hand if you’ve heard this before.  I must have heard it a hundred times, and still did not understand the practical implications of it.

 

Each time my expectations got ahead of me, and I came crying in frustration to my mother, she would have to repeat it for me.  Till I got it.

During those first few days and weeks (no, it’s not forever, so don’t worry), if you can manage to feed your baby, feed yourself and rest a little – you have fulfilled your quota for the day.  I repeat: this is all you can expect of yourself to do.  And some days, even that will be a humongous challenge.

Maternity leave is no vacation.  This is not the time to do all those things you never had time to do.  There will be no fixing up of the new nursery (or new house), no making of photo albums, no meetings with long lost friends.  At least, not yet.

You have a new baby.  A new role as a mother.  And a new skill to master to help with those previous two: breastfeeding.  That’s what this time is for.  That is all it is for.  If you have a little extra time or energy: use it to sleep. (This is not to say baby is on your breast 24/7, although it feels like it sometimes.  But between feeding, caring for baby and caring for yourself, there is no time or energy for the other stuff, and that’s to be expected)

 

The distance between my expectations and my reality were a huge source of frustration for me, and they shouldn’t have been.  Little by little, things get better.  More familiar. More manageable.  The baby changes, you change.  We’ll talk about all of that later.  But for now, let the beginning be the beginning.  It’s the beginning of something beautiful.  Enjoy it.

For how long?  Good question.  That depends.  It’s also not “all or nothing”.  Let’s call the first six weeks “beginning” for our purposes here, ok?

 

 

Now, let’s talk about family/friends/helpers and the household:

So, that was about “new mom”.

What about “new family”? dad? Or partner? New grandma? (and grandpas, of, course!) close friends, aunts, uncles, cousins etc.

And what about the household?

That stuff we have to divide into three categories:

1. Helping with breastfeeding wherever we can
2. Bonding with baby
3. Second-fiddle household things

 

Now, don’t take this the wrong way, after all, this is a breastfeeding support community:

This new baby’s family’s number one priority right now is breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding answers nearly all of baby’s needs, and we’re all about that baby now (clearly, he can’t do it himself, he just got here.  Give him time.  Like years.)

 

Only mom can do the actual breastfeeding.

(I must say that these days there are even variations on this – and they are fascinating!  If you’re in a family where there is some variation, a lot of this information is still true, simply find a way to adapt it to you.  Some examples: breastfeeding a baby you didn’t give birth to, someone who doesn’t call themselves “mom” breastfeeding, two partners both breastfeeding, any form of chestfeeding, any form of feeding that mimics breastfeeding.  We are so blessed to be exploring these options and making them more available!)

 

Ok, only mom can do the actual breastfeeding.  And we already concluded that this is a full time job.  So: mom does nothing else.

Things mom must do, include: breastfeed.  Eat.  Drink. Breastfeed.  Rest. Breastfeed. Sleep.  Breastfeed.  Get the picture?

Anything else that anyone else can do is up for grabs.  (That was number 1 on our list)

Ideally, everything else will be taken on by other people, but practically, mom will still end up doing some of these things, especially the baby-related ones.   That’s ok, as long as she is not overwhelmed.  And as long as it’s not all the time.  Give her a break.  Or a hundred.

 

Before I get into what those things are and how this looks like, I want you to have in your mind number 2 on the list:

If other people are not feeding the baby, what do they have left for bonding, taking care of them and getting to know them?

 

I am very much against people giving bottles to a tiny, newborn baby, just for the sake of feeling like they’re contributing something.

(about the time and place for bottles, and the whys and hows of the this very complex issue, at a different time.  There is much to talk about)

For those people I want to say two things:

1. Anything you do with the baby constitutes bonding, caring and knowing them.  There are plenty of those things that are not the feeding.
2. Tiny, newborn babies need their mamas. Really need.  Like food and sleep.    Each person has a place in this baby’s life.  One person is mama.  Another is “dad” or “grandma” or whatever your role may be.  They need you, too, but in a different and unique way.  Don’t go into each other’s territory, we are not all created equal.

(and again I find a need to clarify that the term “mama” here can be adapted to the reality in your family)

 

So what can be done?  Plenty.

Baby-related things:

• Giving baby a bath (one of my favorites) or a little massage (if you’re into that).
• Changing diapers (some people love this quality time with baby looking up at them!)
• Burping baby, yes, even in the middle of a feeding session. This gives mom a short break.  Maybe she has to pee.
• Tiny babies are not really into playing yet, but they love love love being held. Hold baby for fifteen minutes while mom goes to shower, or sits down at a table to eat a proper meal.
• Walking around with baby in a carrier. This type of movement has an added bonus of helping movement in their not-well-developed digestive systems. Yay! J  Going out for a walk in the stroller can also be nice for the fresh air.

See?

There are also mom-helping type things, where you are simply helping her with her gigantic task:

• Bring mom a drink while she’s nursing (nursing makes us very thirsty! It comes out of nowhere) – make it something easy to drink, like with a straw or sports bottle, and to hold in one hand.  And never something hot – she’s holding a baby!
• Fill mom’s water bottle
• While she’s busy breastfeeding, see if she needs something: maybe a burp cloth, or an extra pillow. While you’re at it, maybe tuck the pillow right where she instructs you to – under her arm or elbow or baby’s bottom.
• Fix mom a meal (on a plate, warmed, on the table, with cutlery and a drink) and invite her to sit while you hold the baby

 

And how does this look like?

Hopefully, at least at first, mom isn’t alone with baby in the house all day.  I hope that for at least part of the day, someone is with her.  You can take shifts.  Her partner is likely there in the evenings and nights and mornings.  One of her parents or siblings or close friends can stop by in shifts for some individual one-on-one help.  Who’s good at making schedules?

Having someone around for little things, so that she’s not juggling a crying infant, with maneuvering around the house, not even thinking about her other needs till late at night (like food and bathroom) can be a real game-changer in mom’s experience at home.

By the way, being calm and happy is a huge contributor to successful breastfeeding.  We’ll talk about that later.

This is not to be confused with “visiting”, which we’ll still talk about.  This is one-on-one helping so that mom isn’t alone at home with a tiny baby for hours on end.  With no sleep.

 

Now, household things:

The household mustn’t run perfectly, but does need to be somewhat smooth.  Be flexible in your priorities and expectations.

Still, people living in the house have to eat, at least.  And laundry.  So much laundry.

Anything someone else can do around the house is one less thing that mom has to even think about.  Freeing her to concentrate on priority number one. (which really does require all her attention right now).

• Shopping. Grocery shopping.  Baby supplies (diapers) shopping.  Household items (toilet paper) shopping.  Get whatever is needed.
• Cleaning. Washing dishes, cleaning up around, taking out the trash.  Anything that needs doing around.  Mom: there may be things that you would rather others not do (fill the dishwasher all wrong, for example) or not touch (that collection of yours) – just be clear what is on and off limits.  I’m sure there are some things that can be delegated, and a blind eye turned to the different way someone may do them.
• Laundry. Mountains and mountains of laundry.  Little creature produce more of this stuff than you can ever imagine.  A helper can put in a load of laundry.  Or take one home to do.  Or just fold the laundry that someone else did.  Again – if mom doesn’t want you going into her closets, piles of folded clean laundry is better than piles of stinky, dirty laundry.
• Communications. We haven’t talked about this one enough, because to each their own.  But phone calls, messages, emails and social media can take up a bunch of time, especially when there is much to talk about with your exciting news.  What of it must you do yourself?  What can others help with?  Can your partner update his family?  Can your sister update the extended relatives?  Can your coworker friend update others at work?  Minimize your time on the media-circuit.
• New baby things. did you get a lot of presents? Or hand-me-downs?  Do they need to be cleaned or assembled? Batteries inserted? Must you do those things yourself?

 

I called these “second fiddle” house hold things because everything is second fiddle to breastfeeding.  You will not leave a screaming baby to go fold laundry.  And you would not stay awake instead of resting in order to fill the dishwasher.

What I do have to remind a lot of moms is that sleeping is more important than emails.  I know it’s finally quiet for a tiny little while – but it won’t be for long!

 

and now we’ll fit it all together:

I hope that this helps to paint a little picture of what life will soon be like.  Again, not forever.  But just for a little while.

If you have realistic expectations, you can avoid the frustration I (and many others) had.

If your family can respect your breastfeeding goals and find other ways to embody their new roles and bond with baby, as well as help with everyone’s ultimate goal, I’m sure they and you will be happy (and save some unnecessary miscommunication)

If your life can be just a little bit easier for the right help at the right time, then you’re breastfeeding, and your sanity, will only benefit from it.

 

Now: who does what

(And soon, that little trick for the first two days.)

 

Who does what is really up to you, parents.  But try to think about it ahead of time.  Once that baby comes, exhaustion and chaos come with him.

I like to think about breastfeeding as a priority for the entire family (and friends, of course – these are your own definitions).  This means that everyone has a new job to do.

 

Baby has a job (we’ll talk about this at length)

Mom has a job – breastfeeding now and preparing her body for the future of breastfeeding.  And recuperating from the birth – which takes weeks!!

Everyone else can get jobs, too.

 

Try to think with yourself and your partner what will  your life look like after the baby is born.  Who will be at home? Will you need extra hands to pitch in then?  Who makes mom happy and calm?  This is very important.  A stressed  out mother that has to deal with people who stress her out (or a situation that is stressful) is not a happily breastfeeding mother.

 

Obviously, sometimes you are not in complete control of your circumstances.  But try to work within what is so that everyone is on the same page with their expectations.

 

I like to divide peoples roles in mind to “close” and “extended”.

Close refers to those who mom would welcome in the house with her for everyday help one-on-one.  they are the ones who will bring her water, hold the baby a lot and possibly see her topless.  They are the ones she will yell at or cry on or generally ignore, as she is so preoccupied with everyone’s number one goal.    You know who they are, often it is the partner, the new grandparents, siblings and best friends.  But not always.  Who is this for you?

Extended refers to those who want to be a part of things, but are not close enough for the tears or do not contribute to that stress-free environment.  You love them, and they love you, but being constantly around or being so close to baby is not what you have in mind.  That’s fine.  They can still help in their own little way and contribute and feel a part of things.

Anything they can do outside the house and bring it in and stay no more than fifteen minutes is great.  Think about how this might look like with your relatives.  And be open to things changing.  People surprise you.  Go with the flow.  You will be grateful for all the help, you are going to need it!

Who are these people?  In some families, these would be the inlaws, the other siblings, good friends etc.  who are they in your family?

 

Come up with a standard answer to people who want to help or visit.  Something along the lines of “we appreciate your help, we’re so completely overwhelmed, what would really help us is: <bring dinner/diapers/talk to aunt cece>.  As much as we’d love to see you, please limit your visit to no longer than 15 minutes between 6pm and 7pm so that <new mom> and <new baby> can rest.  Thank you!!”

This is your house.  It’s your life.  It’s your family.  And it’s your new baby and your new breastfeeding journey.  Do what’s good for you.

 

I hope this helps you look at it in a new way that helps promote your sanity and your breastfeeding.  Make any tweaks necessary to accommodate your life and your preferences.  Make it your own.

 

and finally, that tip for the first couple of days:

And now:  one last very practical tip for those first couple of days in the hospital and at home:

 

Did you know?  During flu season, when people opt to stay home and maternity wards see a lot fewer visitors, breastfeeding rates are higher?

When I heard that little tidbit, I was shocked!  From all the things I know about helping mothers and babies to breastfeed, how can one little thing help so much so to be statistically significant?

For two reasons:

1. Leaving mom and baby alone to get to know each other and learn to breastfeed and breastfeed often is vitally important
2. Those first few days are crucial. Issues discovered early on can be taken care of before they become a problem.  Problems inadvertently created in these days due to poor management of the breastfeeding relationship can linger and get worse and worse to the point of giving up.

 

So, what can we do?  Everyone wants to see the new baby!

We remember that we first and foremost do what’s good for the baby.

Notify friends and family in advance that visitation during those first few days will be extremely limited.  This is a time for mom and baby to get to know each other and breastfeed often.  This is a time for the new parents to get used to being a family and rest as much as possible.

When visitors are around, mom can’t rest.  Baby’s signals for feeding get missed.  Feedings get missed.  Baby becomes anxious and upset and has a hard time latching on when he finally does get to mom.  Mom is frustrated breastfeeding isn’t going well.

The solution?  Decide on one hour during the day for visits.  Say, dinnertime.  Visitors can bring dinner with them.  Our new parents can sit and eat while visiting, while people hold baby and pass him around.  This is anyway a time when baby especially likes to be held.

The rest of the day is calm and quiet with only the necessary help around.  No further demands on mom and baby, their plate is full.

 

Little tip: make a sign for the door.  Or a general text that can be forwarded to anyone who asks.

 

the bottom line (for all you skimmers):

So, prioritizing breastfeeding and delegating help can make a big difference in your overall experience.  Especially when keeping your expectations realistic.

Slowly, with time, you’ll grow out of all this, and find the new rhythm for you and your family.  Enjoy the meantime!