What does it mean to come to terms with something?  Is it behind me? Not yet.  I don’t know if it will ever be.  I’m sure that each person confronted with what I’ve been through will take it differently.  Some people are just more easygoing than I am, or had different dreams or expectations.  But even though I’m finally getting to where I wanted to be, I have my baby and my motherhood and even my nursing, I still have a hard time with some things.

This week, I had to hear the wonderful news of friends being pregnant.  This news is still hard for me to hear.  I’m trying to figure out if this is just out of habit, it was such a painful topic for me for so long, or perhaps there is still something there.  Obviously, I’m happy for them.  But only like  80% happy.  20% of me is still stuck in my illogical loops:  “this isn’t fair”, “why me” etc.

The logical side of me knows that each person has to deal with their own hardship.  And I have no idea what they’ve gone through, or what it’s like for them.  But I’m left comparing their outside to my inside.   The illogical side of me makes calculations, changing the balance of those percentages – for instance, an older family member having a baby is easy to take, an unwanted surprise pregnancy is harder to take.  Talking about precious life is easy to take, talking about the burden of pregnancy and motherhood is hard to take.

And yet, the fact remains that news like that hits me in the gut, before I have a chance to run it through my logic mill.